


The Not-So Wonderful Adventures of Bilbo Baggins at Erebor High

by Dicey101



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: AU, Durincest, M/M, Modern AU, bagginshield
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-01
Updated: 2014-07-18
Packaged: 2018-01-14 05:16:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1254229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dicey101/pseuds/Dicey101
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo Baggin's is just your regular guy: loving parents, curly hair, kind of a loser, actually a really big loser, a geek, possibly a little bit gay, or really gay, and no friends... But most of that changes when his parents pack him up and move him to a new town, away from his old home in Bag End. He starts school at Erebor High, a high school full of strange students and even stranger teachers... and him, Thorin Oakenshield. The hottest most mysterious guy Bilbo has ever met. Bilbo begins to hang out with Thorin and his gang of twelve whacky friends, and soon enough he's on an  in school adventure to reclaim the packs stolen item from the menacing principal.. Mr. Smaug. </p><p>With his wit and cunning, Bilbo is determined to win Thorin's heart, and to get Mr. Smaug kicked out of Erebor High, even if it risks suspension... or worse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

A new school, a new life. Yay. Why did my parents pack me up and ship me off to god knows where? I don’t know, good question. My mother was hesitant to go, but my father convinced her. He always does. He just has to say her name in the special way, “oh _Belladonna.”_ And she’s head over-heels in love with him again and agreeing with him. Go figure. I know I’m only 16, but why can’t I have love like my parents... I’m afraid I never will either. 

My name is Bilbo Baggins, and this is the story of how my meager pathetic life, changed...... into one even more meager and pathetic (you thought I was going to say “changed forever” well yeah, that too.) 

 

Sunday October 5th 2:34pm

 

“We’re moving Bilbo, and that is that.” My mother said for the billionth time. “But why?” I _asked_ for the billionth time. I watched as she packed away her clothes carefully into an oversized cardboard box. That woman has more clothes than a church has candles. “I’ve already told you, your father needs this job, and we need the money,” she said, taking a silk white dress off a hanger and folding it delicately. 

“Why? So you can buy more clothes?” I asked. She smirked at me, “yes, so I can buy more clothes,” she thought for a moment, “and so you can buy more books!” She threw back at me. 

I shot my hands up over my chest, “oh, ya got me!” I yelped, falling back onto my parents’ bed for dramatical impact. 

My mother laughed her delicate laugh, “very funny Bilbo, now go pack!” 

“What if I just don’t pack?” I asked, flipping over and burying my face in their duvet, muffling my words so they sounded more like “whaffif I jus dun flack.”

“Then we’ll just leave you here.” 

“Really?!?!?!”

“No.” 

 

Sunday October 5th, 2:50pm

 

_C’est la vie_. I went to my room, well, trudged to my room, and began to pack. Well, not really. I had no clue where to start. 

“Books,” I said to myself, “books are a good place to start.” 

So I began to pack away all of my books, mainly all of them were about mythology: creatures that lurk in the dark, beautiful fairies that cause mischief, giant colourful phoenix’s and old worn out trolls. I sighed as I flipped through them quickly before placing them into the box with care. Those books had filled my childhood with happiness and wonder. 

I lived in a house near the forest (another reason I didn’t want to leave, but whatever) and when I was younger I’d always play there; trying to find all the creatures I’d read about. I swear on numerous occasions, out of the corner of my eye, I’d seen fairies and goblins. 

Want to know a secret? I still believe they exist. 

 

 

Sunday October 5th, 5:20pm

 

“Bilbo, dinner!” I heard my father call. I had gotten distracted. After I put away all my fantasy books I had found my scrapbook. It was filled with four leaf clovers, concert tickets (mostly the Wiggles and shit I was into when I was really young, but hey, that shit was cool back then.) and pictures of my friends. I didn’t have many. I’d always kind of been a loner, I prefer to stay inside and read, or go outside, but to just be by myself. 

I headed downstairs and took a seat at the dinner table. 

“What were you up to kiddo?” My dad asked. I cut into the fish and squeezed some lemon on top. “Just packing my books,” I said. 

“Ah, make sure the box isn’t too heavy, you might have to put some books in separate boxes!” My parents both laughed at my dad’s lame joke.

“Haha,” I said as I took a bite of fish. “This is really good mum, like _really_ good.” 

“Thanks sweetie.” There was a few awkward moments of silence so I decided to speak

“I found my old scrapbook.” It was the first thing out of my mouth and I regretted it. I shoved some potatoes in my gob to shut me up.

“Oh that’s nice, did you find some pictures of Tammy in there?” Mum asked. 

Oh shit, Tammy. One of my three friends. She’d stopped talking to me... kids at my school find me weird. 

“Yeah,” I mumbled. “Well, look on the bright side Bilbo, you’ll make some friends at your new school,” Dad said brightly. 

I shouldn’t have said what I said next. “Oh do you mean friends who are freaks like me?” 

There it was again, that painfully loud silence. 

My mum looked down at her plate. “Bilbo,” my father said, sighing, “that’s not what I meant, you know that.” 

I shoved my chair away from the table and ran back upstairs. It was really hard being an emotional teenager. 

 

Sunday October 15th, 4:00pm

 

By that time in about a week we were at our new home. Hours and hours away from the last one... away from my forest. Now I’d never know what lurked out there... maybe I didn’t want to know though (hey, that rhymed! I’m a poet and I don’t know it! haha.. ha.. help me).

I got to pick my own room (“any room other than the master!” mum had hollered up at me as I ran up the stairs. Of course.) I crept through all the rooms, slowly opening the doors and pretending I was in a horror movie or something. The doors were creaky, it could work! 

I found my home at last: a medium sized room at the very end of the hall, it even had it’s own bathroom! 

“Well, we were going to use that as the guest bedroom..” mum had said, biting her lip, “but it’s not like we have many guests anyway,” she chimed in when she saw my face and how badly I wanted the room. “Yeah, and when we do have them, they can survive the five second walk down the hall to the washroom.” I added. She rolled her eyes and walked out, and I began to help the movers put my furniture in my room. I rearranged it all five times. Oops. I finally settled with my bed in the middle of the back wall, my bookcase beside the main door, my desk on the side opposite of the bookcase. Then I hung up my posters: World of Warcraft, Harry Potter, Frank Sinatra, Star Wars, etc. It took me a few hours to finish my room, but when it was done I stood in the doorway and took a gander. Everything was neat and tidy, just as I liked it. My parent’s came up to see. “Looks great Bilbo!” My mum smiled and kissed my forehead. “See, it’s not going to be so bad here Bil,” my father said, ruffling my hair. I laughed. ‘Yeah,’ I thought, ‘but this is just the beginning.’

 

Sunday October 15th, 7:00pm

We ordered pizza that night, we were all too tired to cook. We sat around on cushions and a blanket on the floor, we hadn’t cleared off the table yet. It was fun, a little family picnic. I love my parents. I really do. 

 

Monday October 16th, 7:00am

 

The next day I was off to school at Erebor High. Needless to say I was super mega nervous, but who isn’t when they start a new school? 

It took me half an hour to pick out clothes, I felt like a girl. (ha, how awesome would it have been if I were born a girl? Super awesome, that’s how) I eventually went with skinnies rolled cup at the bottom, a short-sleeved red plaid top, and red boat shoes. Good enough. I am the fashion queen, alright. I was going to wear my dress pants and a vest, but I don’t want to make too good of an impression (get the shit beat out of me). I combed (or at least tried to) my frizzy red mop, and tried to tame it, to no avail. Oh well, I have curly hair. People will have to deal. I ambled down the stairs, trying to show my parents how un-pleased I was about having to go to school.

“I was up all night unpacking, can’t I go tuesday?” 

“No.”

and that was that. 

 

“Oh honey, you look adorable!” My mother said as I walked into the kitchen, I gave her a tight lipped smile, “yes because that’s what I want, to look .. _adorable._ ” 

She swatted me on the head as I passed her on my way to the fridge. I grabbed the jug of orange juice and was about to chug from the container when she handed me a cup. “Thanks,” I mumbled. 

I sat down at the table and mum put a plate of bacon and eggs in front of me. “Eat up, you’ll need the energy!” She singsonged. 

I grunted in response and munched away. God, she’s a good cook. 

 

The bus arrived at exactly 8:05am and I hopped on. I walked down the aisle, there were only a few kids so far. I sat at the very back. 

The big yellow vehicle filled up fast, I got a lot of looks. Oh the joys of being the new kid!

“Hello!” a boy said cheerfully as he sat down next to me, more like _flung_ himself down. 

“Hi,” I said, turning to look at him. He had blond hair that was almost white, it was really light. Must’ve been dyed.

“It’s all natural,” he said like he read my mind, “the name’s Balin.” He stuck out a hand. I shook it, “Bilbo, Bilbo Baggins.”

I liked Balin immediately. He never said “oh hey, you’re the new guy!”

“So Bilbo, where ya from?” 

“Uh, Bag End.” 

“Hmm, never heard of it.” 

“Yeah.” 

Before it could get anymore awkward, a cute guy with a silly looking flappy hat sat on the seat in front of us; he flashed me a wide grin. He shoved his fingerless glove clad hand over the seat and I shook it, “the name’s Bofur.” 

“Bilbo,” I said, smiling back. So far the two people I’ve met have made me feel nothing but welcomed and warm. Off to a good start!

“‘Er you excited to start school at Erebor?” He asked, the smile still playing on his face. 

“..No not really,” I decided to be honest. Bofur went serious for a second then both boys started to laugh, “good, there’s nothing to be excited about!” They laughed for a good five minutes, I shit you not, and eventually I started to laugh too. 

 

October 16th, 8:30am

 

We arrived at school in no time. The time flew sitting on the bus with Bofur and Balin! They’re _funny_. I’m talkin’ laugh-your-ass-off-then-grow-it-back-so-you-can-laugh-it-off-again funny. 

“Sit with us at lunch, okay? We’ll call you over!” Balin hollered over his shoulder as him and Bofur ran through the doors of Erebor High. “See ya!” I called after them. I couldn’t help the wide smile that stretched it’s way across my face. What dorks... I loved them! I hadn’t even started the school day yet and I had already made two friends! Two! That’s almost as many as I had had in my whole life. But I didn’t let my happiness take over, I let a part of me know that this may be to good to be true; why would anyone want to be friends with me anyway? I really needed to stop thinking like that. GAH, I’m a mess. 

I shook my head to try and clear out all thoughts: bad and good. 

I looked up at my new school. ‘ _EREBOR PUBLIC HIGH SCHOOL’_ was written above the quad doors in a navy blue, the background was a jade green. ‘Interesting colours,’ I thought to myself as I wiggled my way into the swarm of students all around me and entered the doors into the school: into my new life. 

 

I searched for a good ten minutes for my locker. The school is so big and complicated. I wanted to curl up in a ball and sink into the floor. I heard the bell ring at 8:45 and stood in the middle of the hall doing one of those “do I do this, or do I do that?” things. I must’ve looked beyond insane. Good first impression, Bilbo. 

“Why are you not in class young man?” A smoldering voice said from behind me. I slowly turned around and regretted it. Before me was a tall, dark man. He was wearing a crisp black suit and a crimson tie. His face was long and his eyes a deep blue and serpent like. He wasn’t smiling, in fact, he looked like he’d never cracked a smile in his life. 

“Um, I uh,” I stuttered, and he cocked his head slightly. “I can’t find my locker,” I said pathetically. He laughed, but it wasn’t a friendly laugh. 

“You must be Bilbo .. Baggins,” he sneered, “what number is your locker?” 

“Locker two hundred twenty one, locker bay B,” I mumbled, looking at my schedule which had my locker number printed on it. He laughed again, this time more like a grunt, like he was too lazy to actually laugh, “you’re on the wrong floor.” 

 

I followed, not very happily, may I add, the man up the stairs to locker bay B. I thanked him shyly, a blush on my cheeks. For an asshole he was kinda hot, and I looked like the biggest loser ever. 

“Not a problem,” he said, in that mysterious and sexy drawl. He turned to go “by the way, who are you?” I asked, I realized when he turned his head and locked his sharp eyes with mine that I shouldn’t have asked, I should’ve know. “I am your new principal, Bilbo,” his lips twisted up in a cruel smile, “Mr. Smaug.” 

 


	2. Chapter 2

I hastily threw my coat and hat in my locker and twisted my lock closed. I ran down the hall, staring at my schedule trying to figure out where my first period class was. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck, I really have no freakin’ luck. Hey I wrote a poem! 

“Oompff” I slammed right into someone. “I-I’m sorry,” I said, rubbing my head where it collided with the person. 

“Oh that’s quite alright Bilbo Baggins,” the man grumbled. I looked up, boy was he tall. The man had a long white beard and a grey uniform, there was a name tag stuck to his shirt, it read: Mr. Grey. ‘How fitting,” I thought. 

“How... how did you know my name?” I managed to get out. He chuckled, the corners of his eyes creasing. He had a friendly look to him. “I know all, I’m the janitor!” His laugh deepened. “Well then, Mr. Grey, could you please tell me where room 206 is?” 

The janitor escorted me down the hall and to the left, the science lab. 

“Here you are, Mr. Baggins, Mr. Greenleaf’s science class.” I thanked him and he chuckled again and began to leave, I swear I saw him take out a pipe. I turned towards the door and took a deep breath. I’d have to get it over with eventually. I entered the room quickly, and of course, all eyes were on me in an instant. 

A tall, slender man with long blond hair smiled at me from the front of the class, “welcome!” he chimed, “you must be Bilbo!” I smiled tightly and rushed over to the only empty desk and sat down. I tried to keep my head down, but my curiosity got the better of me (thanks for that trait mum!) and I peered up. People had stopped staring and had directed their attention back to the front of the room to where Mr. Greenleaf was.... mixing chemicals in a glass beaker. Ooooof course. He was wearing blue safety goggles which made his eyes look 10 times their sized. I tried not to laugh and needed to bring my hand to my mouth to stifle my giggles. 

“He looks funny in them goggles, don’t he?” Someone whispered from beside me, their _he’s_ just sounding like _e’s_. I glanced over and saw a small boy smiling at me. I smiled back, “yeah,” I agreed. 

He stuck out his hand, “I’m Ori.” 

“Bilbo,” I said, taking his hand in mine and giving it a firm shake. 

We returned our gazes to the front of the room where Mr. Greenleaf was now heating the mixture of chemicals. 

“Okay class, get ready,” he shouted, clearly very excited. The whole class moved forward in their seats. 

“One, two..... three!” 

Nothing happened. Mr. Greenleaf made a face “that’s not ri-” 

_BANG!_

Out from the beaker came a small, but quite loud, explosion and a flame, then foam began to shoot from the glass in all sorts of colours. 

There were _ooh’s_ and _aah’s_ coming from the students. It was beautiful. I didn’t think something like that was even possible, especially just with some cheap high school approved chemicals. Just then I saw a movement at the door, there was Mr. Grey! I saw him smile at me then vanish. 

“Whoa!” Mr. Greenleaf exclaimed, removing his goggles, the amazed expression still hadn’t left his fine features. “That was amazing!” He shouted, and the class cheered. 

“I think I’m gonna like it here,” I said to Ori, he turned to me and smiled and I smiled back.

 

Soon it was lunch time. I rushed out of class and found my locker in only 15 minutes this time! Hopefully I’ll get used to it soon. I grabbed my Star Wars lunchbox (special edition, limited time design, mint condition, yeeeaaah) out of my locker and made my way down to the cafeteria. It was easy to find because every student in the school was migrating to it like a herd of gazelles. When I entered the blue doors of the caf into the bustling commotion that lay inside, I instantly felt overwhelmed. I was about to turn and leave when I saw Balin and Bofur jumping up and down furiously from a table near the back. I grinned and made my way over to them. 

As I approached I noticed a lot of guys sitting with them, like _a lot._ Who even has that many friends in high school? When I reached them I did a quick head count. Ten! **_Ten!_** Not including them, that was still a lot. I noticed one of them was Ori, I gave him a quick wave. 

“How was yer first class?” Balin asked, motioning for me to take a seat. “Oh it was great!” I said excitedly as I opened my lunchbox, all of a sudden I felt self conscious about it. Maybe Star Wars wasn’t cool to these guys. I took out a sandwich and began to munch as Balin and Bofur told me a story about their adventures with Mr. Greenleaf. 

“Hey, I love Star Wars! Where’d you get that?” Said a boy a little ways down the table. He had brown, almost red hair that was stuck up in a .. very odd position. He must’ve had bedhead, that or had no clue how to use hair gel. 

“That’s Nori,” Bofur said, eating away at a chicken leg (who the heck brings a chicken leg to school for lunch??!!!! I love this guy!) “he’s a geek!” The whole table laughed, including Nori. 

“Oh, how rude of me,” Balin chimed in, wiping his mouth with a napkin, “let me introduce you to the whole bunch!” He stood up and I did too, to get a better look at the whole table. 

“That’s Dwalin right there, he’s my brother,” Balin pointed to a gruff looking kid with spikey hair and an arm tattoo, he looked mean, but when he heard his name he looked up and beamed at me. “That there is Bifur,” he said, motioning to a kid with black and grey hair, sitting at the table beside Dwalin fiddling with something. “He doesn’t talk much, but when he does, it’s mostly just jibberish; he’s a nice guy though.” 

Balin moved down the line to a chubby ginger kid who was stuffing his face with chicken, “beside Bifur is Bombur, his brother, if you were going to ask, yes they’re related to Bofur,” Bombur smiled around the food in his mouth. Next were two boys sitting very close to each other, completely, and I mean _completely,_ absorbed in each other. “Those two are Kili and Fili, they’re... well they’re, let’s just say, inseparable.” 

“Fili, Kili!” Bofur shouted, and threw an apple slice at them, the whole bunch laughed. The brothers looked up and gave me very bright smiles, “you must be boggins!” The dark haired one said, his smile looking like it would crack his face in half. “Kili,” the blond on said, “it’s baggins!” They quickly became engrossed in conversation again. I laughed. “Right well, next side of the table!” Balin said and pointed to another set of brothers sitting across from Fili and Kili, tinkering with something metal and complicated looking. “That there is Oin and Gloin, they don’t really say much, but when they do, they’re pretty tough. Oin can’t really hear all that well,” they didn’t look up, and I smiled; they looked so concentrated, it was cute! 

Next was a ... what?? A grey haired (I shit you not his hair was grey) kid with a big nose. He was super cute. “That’s Dori,” Balin said, smiling down at him. “Hello,” Dori said and offered me a cute smile. God, why were all these guys so freakin’ adorable?!?!?!?!? Were they trying to kill me? I think so. 

“I see you’ve already met Ori,” Balin said, and I smiled at Ori, “yeah, we have science together.” 

“Ahaha,” Balin chuckled, “not Ori’s strong suit.” Ori stuck his tongue out at Balin. “I prefer English,” Ori stated, “I love to write.” 

“Well, I love to read!” I told him, and he grinned at me and went back to the book he was scribbling in. “And that brings us back to Bofur and I,” Balin sat back down and I followed him. 

“But, there’s one empty chair,” I noticed. “Aye,” Bofur smiled his signature smile, “there used to be another, but now that belongs to you.” 

My heart swelled so much I thought it was going to rip it’s way out of my chest and do a happy dance right on the cafeteria table. 

I blushed and smiled, “then who does the other one belong to?” I asked after a few moments. 

“Him,” Balin pointed behind me, I turned around and was not expecting at all what I saw. A tall boy with beautiful dark hair and the most piercing blue eyes I’d ever seen was sauntering over to our table. “Who...?” Was the only pathetic thing that could spill out of my mouth. “That,” Balin began, pride in his voice, “is Thorin Oakenshield.” 

 


	3. Chapter 3

October 16th, 12:30pm  
  
Holy mother fuck-a-duck. He was gorgeous. Like I mean.... really gorgeous. He sat down in the middle of Dori and Ori. “Any food left,” he smirked across the table at Bombur. OHMYGOSH HIS VOICE. Internal shrieking. 

I calmed myself down. Yeah he’s alright. I’ve seen better (no I haven’t) much better (yeah right) and I’m not gay (HA, keep kiddin’ yourself Bilbo). Fuck. 

Bombur threw a wrapped up sandwich at Thorin, the whole table went up in laughter as said sandwich whacked Thorin upside the face. 

He unwrapped it and bit into it. “And who’s this?” He asked through a mouthful of whole wheat bread and ham. 

“This is Bilbo Baggins,” Balin said, and then he whispered something to Thorin so low I couldn’t hear it. 

His gorgeous eyes lit up and he looked me over. I felt like an insignificant piece of popcorn under his gaze, about to explode at any second. 

“He’ll have to do, I suppose.” He smirked at me and turned to talk to Dori. 

Um, excuse you??? 

“I’ll have to _do_?” I asked, “what’s that supposed to be exactly?” I asked Balin, just a tad upset. 

Balin gave Thorin a quick panicked look. “Uhhhh.” 

“It means,” Bofur began, his signature grin appearing like it would _never. wipe. off._ “that you’re going to help us with a little.. problem.” 

‘Oh shit,’ I thought, ‘they seriously cannot expect me to help them with anything _on my first day_.’

“Umm, and what is that, dare I ask?” I managed to get out between my nervousness around Mr. Majestic over there and sheer panic of having to help these strange people I just met. All kinds of scenarios were swimming around in my mind. Drug deal? School prank? Bank heist? Mass murder??11!!?? 

“It’s just a simple task really,” Balin answered looking at Thorin then back to me. “We need you to help us get some things back from Mr. Smaug.” 

I felt dizzy. Noooooooo way in hell was I going to do that. I had one run in with him and I didn’t want to ever have another, let alone one where I could get in serious trouble. 

Bofur saw my face and how the blood was probably rapidly draining from it. “Oh, don’t worry Bilbo, if yer caught you’d only get suspended.... maybe even expelled, well Mr. Smaug is pretty terrifying, who knows what he gets up to in his spare time, he might kill ye.” 

I looked at Bofur wide eyed and he grinned at me. “Nope,” I mumbled and everything went black. 

 

When I came to, I opened my eyes to see almost the whole group standing around me. “Give him some room, give him some room,” I heard Thorin’s voice. They relented and moved back, grumbling. Thorin came into my view, he leaned down over me, concern in his eyes, “are you alright?” 

Oh em gee, he was talking to me. He was _concerned_ for my well being. Quick Bilbo, say something witty. “Umm, I think so.” Smooth, real smooth. 

He laughed lightly anyway, the corners of his eyes creasing beautifully, his white teeth showing just slightly. Yup. I was in love. 

“Okay, up ya come!” He pulled me up slowly, grabbing my hand to steady me, his hand on the small of my back. 

I mumbled a thanks, my face must’ve been redder than a porn stars’ ass. He held my hand for a few moments too long, looking into my eyes with a funny expression, like he was slightly confused. Fuck we were having a movie moment. _An actual movie moment ohhhmygod._

Soon Balin and Bofur were at my side, Bofur apologized for saying all that shizz to scare me, and Balin said he was sorry for throwing everything at me so fast. 

I told them it was alright, really it wasn’t. I was a little tiny wieny bit hurt. I mean, they only asked me to have lunch with them because I’m fresh blood. I’m on a clean slate with the principal and they needed me for their master plan. 

“But will you help us?” Ori asked, looking small and innocent. Oh bollocks Ori you’re too darn cute. Must look away. 

“Yeah, will you?” Dori asked me. The whole table was looking at me, and I felt obligated to say yes. I wanted to fit in, I really did.... 

“Come on Mr. Boggins!” Kili added, I laughed. 

“Well, first of all, tell me what exactly it is that we’ll be doing.” 

 

After we had finished up our lunch and tidied up our table, we still had forty minutes left in the lunch period. 

The group led me through the school, I was sort of iffy about where they were taking me; but something was telling me I could trust them. I followed after them, trying to catch up. Shit they were fast buggers. 

Eventually (it’s a gigantic freakin’ school, okay?) we ended up in a stairwell on the opposite side of Erebor High. It looked ill used, like it had been long forgotten about. There were cobwebs in the corners and dust on the steps with only a few haphazard footprints here and there. It looked as if even the janitors had forgotten about it. 

It was .. creepy... I liked it immediately. 

“Whoa, this place is awesome,” I said as I waved away a cloud of dust from in front of my face. 

“Isn’t it?” Ori asked, smiling at me, he looked around with pride. 

All of a sudden, a deep voice said from behind me: “It gets cooler.” I spun around to see Dwalin towering above me, staring down at me with his arms crossed. Geez, did he always have to look so menacing? 

I must of look scared because the guys standing around us started to laugh. They walked away leaving me with Ori, I stuck out my tongue to Dwalin’s back. 

“Come on,” Ori said, leading me to where everyone else was headed too. “Mr. Grey let us have this place,” Fili said, walking in step with me. “Yeah,” Kili chimed in “he does what he can to keep people out.” When they saw my confused look they laughed, “we made a deal with him.” 

These people make deals with weird old janitors. What have I gotten myself into? 

But oh, it only got weirder. Around the staircase was what looked like a cupboard door, wooden with a latch, only bigger. ‘Storage?’ I thought. I was correct, yet so _so_ wrong, because a good chunk of the group was missing, they must be ... inside of it. 

_Holllyyy shitt, noooope._

I did a complete swerve on the heal of my shoe and was about to run full force towards... _anywhere but there,_ when Fili clasped me on the shoulder and shoved me inside the cupboard. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, this is the last chapter until I get back from my trip! I promise I'll update the day I get back if I'm not too tired!!! I hope you liked it tho :)


	4. Chapter 4

October 16th, ????pm 

 

I almost screamed when that blond headed twat threw me into the cupboard, or whatever the fuck it is. 

I literally thought they were all mental and liked to kill new kids... and the fucking _janitor_ was in on it!!!

Update: not the case. 

I stood there frozen to the spot. I heard the cupboard close and lock behind me and Fili swiftly and fabulously walked past me, a smug look on his face. 

I couldn’t move. What was in front of me was... bloody fantastic. 

Inside the cupboard or whatever, was totally supposed to be used for storage purposes, well yeah, it wasn’t, if you haven’t caught on by now. 

It was a pretty sizable little room, wooden walls and floors. It would’ve been sort of eerie if it weren’t for the posters of girls, various movies, and bands on the walls.

There were candles lit on the shelves on the walls (they were sort of crooked, so I guessed one of the boys had nailed them up there) and lamps around the room. There were two tables, round ones, I guessed they were from before the caf had switched to rectangle tables. Thorin, Balin, Dwalin, Bofur, and Dori were sitting at one table, everyone other than Fili, Kili and Ori were sitting at the other one, playing cards and laughing. 

Kili, his brother, and Ori were sitting on beanbag chairs in one corner playing gamecube on a small TV. 

This had to be jokes. I rubbed my eyes. This was the coolest fucking thing I’d ever seen.  

Here, I drew a floor plan because I couldn’t stop thinking about it: 

 

 

   entrance:

__________

|     me     |                               

|              |__________________   

|                         tv                |   

|                      bb     bb         |  

|     table 2                             |   

|                        table 1          |   

|____________________________|   

 

 

 

“Guys,” I uttered, finally moving forward and coming into the room, they all looked up at me, “this is hella rad.” 

They laughed and cheered. Thorin locked his eyes with mine and patted the chair beside him, smiling at me. Fuck if he knew what he was doing to me. 

I walked over slowly, taking in all the details of the room: all the knickknacks on the shelves, the TV stand with the gamecube underneath it. The shelves beside the TV with games and movies. And the colourful lights strung up above where the boys were having a heated Mario Kart session. It was kind of beautiful. These friends all had a place to feel safe at school: a place away from bullies and annoy kids and teachers. They could do homework in here, play games, or just _have an escape_ if need be. 

And it hit me, as I took my seat beside Thorin and he continued on with his discussion, that they had trusted me enough to show me this place. Had the faith in me to never tell a soul. They never voiced these exact words to me, but I knew, looking around, feeling the atmosphere in that little sacred room, that I would never utter a word to another living being. 

But... 

“Smaug,” I said abruptly, and the boys at the table all looked at me. “Does Mr. Smaug know about this room?” 

They all laughed, “I’m sure he knows about it,” Bofur chuckled, “but if he knew we were in here...” he made a swift motion with his finger across his throat. I swallowed thickly. 

“Buuuut,” Bombur threw in from across the room, looking at his hand of cards, “if he hasn’t noticed in three years, I think we’re safe!” Everyone agreed and turned back to what they were doing. 

“Good point, but he could find out at any time really!” 

“He won’t,” Thorin said, seemingly amused at my worry. 

“How can you be so sure?” 

“Because I am,” he turned and looked at me. 

“An-and why’s that?” 

“Because..” he trailed off, his gaze darting from my eyes to my lips. I found myself looking at his too. God were they ever lovely. I could kiss those..... STOP IT BILBO! FOR FUCK SAKES!

We were just staring at each other... seriously.. which is most likely not-normal. Really, I’ve never seen normal people (except my parents.. well they’re not normal) do this before. 

Balin cleared his throat and we broke our .. well, whatever it was, and returned our attention back to the table. 

“Geez, you two certainly like looking at each other, don’t ya?” Dori said, earning him giggles from the table. I put my head down in defeat. This was gonna be a tough two years. 

 

Still October 16th, maybe 1:05??

 

We were still in that cubby thingy. I honestly could not get enough of it. If you had asked me a week ago what I think I’d be doing in a week, it certainly would be nowhere close to this!

“So, how does nobody find this place?” I asked, having moved over to the other table I was looking at my hand, “flush!” I fanned my cards down on the table. “Aw come on!” Nori shouted, throwing down his cards. Geez, these guys took their games seriously. 

“We’ll just keep that our secret,” Thorin leaned over from his table and said to me, winking at me. Oh fuck you man, really??!! REALLY WITH THE WINKS???!! Why. Why. 

“And why’s that?” I flirted back, giving him a smirk; two can play at this game. 

“Because.” 

_Here we go again._

“Well you’ve already told me about this.. whatever you call it, so why don’t you just give me the whole package?” I was beginning to whine and I knew it but I didn’t care, I was so curious as to why Mr. Grey gave them this space and how he keeps people out. 

“Oh, I’ll give you the whole package alright,” Thorin said in a sultry voice and I creamed my jeans. I swear. Fuuuck. 

“Thorin!!!” Balin swatted his friend on the shoulder as the rest of the room went up in howling laughter. I guess they liked that one. 

“You are disgusting,” Balin huffed, literally the only one not laughing. What a cutie patootie. He was so mature. 

Thorin had a proud look on his face, “you’re just figuring this out now Balin?” 

The bell rang shortly after that, I’m surprised we heard it; it sounded to muffled in there and the whole gang was howling, even I had started to laugh a bit around my arousal. Fuck he was soo hot. It was so unfair man. 

Everyone stood up and tidied up. For a group of boys, they were really good at cleaning up after themselves I’ll give them that. 

“Fili,” Thorin said as he headed for the cupboard door, “lock up.” The blond nodded in response as he helped Kili wrap up the game controller cords. 

“And Bilbo,” Thorin added, peeking his head back through the door, “I’ll see you in English.” 

Here lies Bilbo Baggins, total loser, head over heels in love with a complete dickhead he just met. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!!!! I had a lovely time on my trip to London and Paris and I learned so much! I didn't want to leave!! If you ever have the chance to go to either of those places, please go and enrich yourself with the history and beauty! :) 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, I hope it was worth the wait ^-^


	5. Chapter 5

Still October 16th, maybe 1:05??

 

We were still in that cubby thingy. I honestly could not get enough of it. If you had asked me a week ago what I think I’d be doing in a week, it certainly would be nowhere close to this!

“So, how does nobody find this place?” I asked, having moved over to the other table I was looking at my hand, “flush!” I fanned my cards down on the table. “Aw come on!” Nori shouted, throwing down his cards. Geez, these guys took their games seriously. 

“We’ll just keep that our secret,” Thorin leaned over from his table and said to me, winking at me. Oh fuck you man, really??!! REALLY WITH THE WINKS???!! Why. Why. 

“And why’s that?” I flirted back, giving him a smirk; two can play at this game. 

“Because.” 

_Here we go again._

“Well you’ve already told me about this.. whatever you call it, so why don’t you just give me the whole package?” I was beginning to whine and I knew it but I didn’t care, I was so curious as to why Mr. Grey gave them this space and how he keeps people out. 

“Oh, I’ll give you the whole package alright,” Thorin said in a sultry voice and I creamed my jeans. I swear. Fuuuck. 

“Thorin!!!” Balin swatted his friend on the shoulder as the rest of the room went up in howling laughter. I guess they liked that one. 

“You are disgusting,” Balin huffed, literally the only one not laughing. What a cutie patootie. He was so mature. 

Thorin had a proud look on his face, “you’re just figuring this out now Balin?” 

The bell rang shortly after that, I’m surprised we heard it; it sounded to muffled in there and the whole gang was howling, even I had started to laugh a bit around my arousal. Fuck he was soo hot. It was so unfair man. 

Everyone stood up and tidied up. For a group of boys, they were really good at cleaning up after themselves I’ll give them that. 

“Fili,” Thorin said as he headed for the cupboard door, “lock up.” The blond nodded in response as he helped Kili wrap up the game controller cords. 

“And Bilbo,” Thorin added, peeking his head back through the door, “I’ll see you in English.” 

Here lies Bilbo Baggins, total loser, head over heels in love with a complete dickhead he just met. 

 

 

October 16th, 1:20pm 

 

The bell had rung five minutes ago, and yes, big surprise, I was still trying to find my sodding locker. I found in shortly with a sigh of relief and quickly looked over my schedule. Right, English, Mr. Thranduil, room 303. Right. Good. Now to spend another five billion years looking for it. 

I actually found it pretty quickly and rushed into the room only seconds after the second bell had rung. 

“You’re late,” said a tall man with long blond hair. What’s with all the teachers looking like elves???

Actually, he looked a lot like Mr. Greenleaf my science teacher. Strange. His eyebrows though, holy fuck. His eyebrow game was stronger than godzilla. 

I looked around the room and saw Thorin waving me over. WHyyyyyy. I rushed over and fumbled into my seat. 

This class was different than my first two. No one was transfixed on the teacher, but on me, and so was he. Greeeat. 

“Are you quite done?” Mr. Thranduil asked me. His voice was really deep and sullen sounding, his face expressionless. Who the hell did he think he was? Professor Snape? 

I nodded then looked down, opening my book quietly and taking out a pencil. Mr. Sass turned back to the board and continued on in his boring drawl, talking about Othello or something. 

“Don’t mind him,” Ori said from beside me. I hadn’t noticed he was sitting there. Before I could say anything Thorin joined in, “yes mind him, he thinks he’s a bloody king.” 

“Oh here we go...” Ori mumbled and turned back to his work. 

“Let me tell you something about this piece of-” Thorin began, but was cut off “Mr. Oakenshield, go down to the office.” 

Mr. Thranduil said without even turning around, his hand paused mid-sentence on the board. 

“What, why the hell should I do that?” Thorin shot back, clearly very angry. “Because you were speaking in class, that’s against the rules.” Thranduil sounded like he didn’t even care anymore, I don’t think he ever cared. 

Thorin shot up from his desk, shoving it a few inches and left the room, cursing and slamming the door after him. 

And that’s how I found out Thorin had a temper.... and it was kind of a turn on. But wasn’t everything.. shut up Bilbo!

I glanced at Ori and he wasn’t even fazed by what just happened, something told me that this sort of thing happened regularly. 

I decided to not dwell on it too much and I got back to work, copying the note off the black board. 

 

After English it was 2:25pm, school was over for the day. Thank the lord. I headed to my locker, and I found it (almost) right away! I had to refrain from doing a happy dance. I put my binders in my locker (no homework! Literally had to try so hard not to do said happy dance) and closed it up. I almost shrieked, Balin and Bofur were standing beside my locker looking at me. “Wha-” I tried to ask. “Our bus doesn’t come till 3:20, come with us,” Bofur said and took me by the arm. They started walking fast down the hall. 

“Wha-” I tried to ask again. “We need to tell you some things,” Balin said matter-of-factly.  Who was I to argue? Not like I had much of a choice anyway... 

I was tugged out of the school and down the street a little ways. The two dragged me me into a small restaurant. ‘ _DALE DINER’_   it read in gold fancy letters. 

As soon as I entered the place the smell of greasy food hit me like a slap on the face... and I loved it. The place was pretty small, just ten tables and a counter spanning from one end to the other. The walls were a golden yellow that seemed to shine from the afternoon light spilling through the open windows. 

“Oh man, that smells good...” I trailed off when I saw the whole group sitting to the left of the entrance, two tables pushed together. They were the only ones in the place asides from a short round woman on the other side of the counter. She hadn’t looked up from the book she was reading since I entered. 

I walked over to them, Bofur and Balin had left me at the doors to gander at the place and get lost in the smells. 

“Hey,” I said, not wanting to say more. 

The group looked up at me and gave me nods or waves, Thorin didn’t look up at all. I couldn’t tell if he was angry or sad, I think it was both. 

“Take a seat,” Balin said somberly, “we have a lot to tell you.” 

 

I didn’t argue and quickly took my seat. “Alright lad, here goes,” Balin said, and I swear the group all sucked in a breath collectively. I gulped, oh no this was serious. 

Before I could get up and bolt, Bifur placed a donut in front of me. “You’re going to need it,” Kili said to me, giggling slightly and turning to look at his brother who was also giggling.

“You think this is funny?” Thorin said to him, shooting him an icy glare that could’ve froze hell over. 

 

“No,” Kili’s gaze fell down, “I’m sorry.” The boys fell back in their chairs seemingly disappointed in themselves. Huh, Thorin didn’t seem to be the kind to boss people around, he must be in a really bad mood. I wanted to ki- HUG. I wanted to hug him. Fuck. 

I looked down at my donut, it looked so delicious. Like really freaking good. I took a bite and custard squirted into my mouth. Oh god why. I’m so horny. I’m sorry for that visual, but I really have no better way of describing it. 

“Alright,” I said around a munch of my fucking scrumptious, ungodly delicious donut, “I’m ready.” 

Balin cleared his throat. I picked up pretty quickly that Balin is Thorin’s right hand man. His sidekick, if you will. I can see that Thorin trusts him with everything. I smiled slightly. 

So of course Thorin would trust him enough to tell me what was going on. 

“A few years ago,” Balin began, “Erebor High was much different than it is now. It was a happier, cheerful place. You can probably guess why, because Mr. Smaug wasn’t the principal.” I heard Thorin huff, and he turned his head to look out the window. He’s so gd  dramatic all the time. ... It was kinda hot. Shit. 

Balin continued, “he came into power at Erebor a year ago, and he brought with him new rules, despair, and fear.” I could feel my blood starting to boil. Fear is no way to control people, especially students who should go to school feeling safe. 

“He also brought with him Mr. Azog, the vice principal, he’s really big and menacing and.. oddly pale, anyway, he’s almost as bad as Mr. Smaug-” 

“Not to mention he’s like, in love with him!” Kili threw in, already back to his chipper self. The group laughed. 

“That too,” Balin agreed, “listen to me Bilbo, this is why we need your help.” 

Wait what??? What do they want me to do, kill the guy??? I wiped donut off of my face and took a gulp of the chocolate milk Ori had brought me. 

“Okay, go on...” I managed to get out. ‘No, No, No nonononononooooo’ kept repeating itself in my head. 

“Thorin’s dad, Thrain, used to be the principal at Erebor, and we need you to help us get him back.” 

 


	6. Chapter 6

Yes, Still October 16th, somewhere around 2pm

 

HOLY SHIT YOU WANT ME TO WHAT??? I spat out some chocolate milk all over Dwalin, who was sitting in front of me. He looked like he was going to murder me. I apologized quickly. 

“Um, and how, dare I ask, do you want me to help you do that?” I asked, quite curious. 

“Well, see, we haven’t quite figured that part out yet,” Dwalin said, wiping himself down with a napkin. Whoops. 

“But, it will certainly be dangerous!” Bofur piped in! I shot him a look and he deflated, “right, sorry.” 

Balin hit Bofur on the shoulder, “we don’t need him fainting on us again!” 

“So, wait, I have a few questions.” I stated, trying my best to seem like a tough mature man. Ha. 

“Shoot,” Balin said. 

“Okay first, what does this have to do with..” I lowered my voice, “Mr. Thranduil?” Thorin shot me a look anyway; as if just hearing that name was enough to make him want to throw someone out a window. 

“Well, Mr. Thranduil and Thrain used to be friends, well, they had an agreement to be peaceful to one another at least. After Mr. Smaug took over and had Thrain fired, Thorin pleaded with Mr. Thranduil for help-” Balin was cut off.

Thorin shot daggers at his friend, “I didn’t _plead_.” 

“Right of course, Thorin went to Mr. Thranduil to get him to help us get Thrain back, but he refused to help.” 

Thorin had an upmost disgusted look on his face. The poor guy, his whole family was betrayed. I wanted to help... but I still wasn’t convinced! Like, duh, I just moved here I don’t want to stir the pot on my first week and destroy my clean slate! But that’s exactly why they needed me. Mr. Smaug doesn’t know me as being troublesome. If I act like a goody two-shoes baby around him whenever I see him, I just may be able to get away with helping these guys. We just have to devise a plan, a very detailed one at that. 

“Um, second question, Balin, you said earlier you need me to help you.. steal something from Mr. Smaug?” 

“Not steal,” Thorin said, voice so sultry and deep and .. FUuuUUUuck. “We need you to help us get it back, it’s rightfully my fathers, not that scums’” 

He looked like he genuinely wanted me to help, I looked him in the eyes and it was if he was pleading with me. Actually pleading, which apparently he doesn’t do. 

“W-what is it exactly?” I asked Balin so I had an excuse to tear my eyes away from Thorin’s. I cannot give in this easily. I cannot!!

“The Arkenstone.” 

The whokenwhat?

I guess Bofur saw my confused face and threw in the answer to my question: “it’s a beautiful stone that belongs to Thrain, it belonged to his father, Thror, he found it when he built the school, it’s very-” 

“Wait,” I cut in, “Your grandfather built Erebor High?” I asked Thorin. 

He nodded. 

“Well, then it belongs to your family! It only makes sense!” Oh no I was getting carried away. But it was totally unfair that some snob like Smaug thinks he can waltz right in and steal something that isn’t his. 

“So will you help us?” Dori asked, munching on a donut. The whole group leaned in to hear my answer, each and every one of their faces looked so eager. They needed me. 

“Yes,” I said proudly, “of course I’ll help you.” Everyone cheered, and Thorin smiled widely at me. 

A sinking feeling fell into the pit of my stomach, what have I gotten myself into?

 

 

I rode the bus home, pretty somberly actually. Bofur and Balin and all of the other boys from the group sat around me, but I didn’t get into their conversations. Really I just wanted to go home and sleep, ja feel? 

The bus stopped in front of my house, I got up and went to move down the aisle towards the door when someone grabbed my wrist. 

I turned and saw Thorin looking up at me, oh lordy. “Thank you for agreeing to help us Bilbo, you’ll never know how much it means.” He smiled at me, he looked so genuinely happy. I should’ve been happy just knowing I was making him so bloody happy! But no, unfortunately that’s not how the world works and I still had a bad feeling about everything. I knew something bad was going to happen, possibly death. 

No, I know, it sounds ludicrous but really. 

I attempted to smile back, the feeling of his hand gently clung on to my wrist nearly driving me bonkers. I realized then (ha, no, I realized when I first _saw_ him) that I wanted his hands all over me. Oh god why. Whyyy. My first bloody day of a new bloody high school and I’m a mad sex fiend. 

He let go of me and I almost weeped, I fled of the bus and did a weird jumpy-run thing up my driveway and into my house. 

My dad was in the kitchen helping my mum with dinner. 

I dropped my backpack on the ground beside the table and opened the fridge. Not that I was really hungry, but I knew my face was probably pretty flustered and I needed to cool the fuck down. Resisted urge to thrust whole pelvis into fridge. 

I took out some oj. This time I drank from the jug. My mum gave me a disgusted look but didn’t say anything. 

Once I’d taken a seat at the table they began to bombard me with questions about my first day. 

“Did you make friends?” 

“How were your classes?”

“Teachers nice?”

“See anybody cute?” 

“Did you find everything okay?”

“Was it clean?” 

I answered yes to all of them because I didn’t feel like going in to detail. Really I just wanted to lay down in bed and scream or sleep or something. 

I was tired, and I had a feeling tomorrow was gonna be a loooong day.

 

Ugh they made me eat dinner. Those bastards. I acted all dramatic as I ate my fajitas, my parent's thought that was hilarious. Eventually they had me laughing up a storm. My dad told me a story about what had happened at work, some lady got her blouse stuck in the copying machine and printed out about 500 pictures of her boobs pressed against the glass! I snorted coke out my nose; word of advice: don't try that, bubbles BURN.

I was feeling better in no time. Maybe things weren't so bad. Maybe I was just being a melodramatic little twatwaffle. I made some friends, I have loving and hilarious parents, my life was pretty good. 

I ambled upstairs, belly full and hurting from all the laughing, nose still in pain from bubble attack. I slipped into my awesome cupcake pj pants (don't you dare judge me, you have a pair too, you know you do.) and hopped into bed. Of course the last thought before my mind drifted off into sleep world was of Thorin. That sexy bugger. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's so short!! I'm writing a play for school and I've been really busy lately!! It might be a while until the next update but you'll get it! :)


	7. Chapter 7

I was walking down the hall, looking at the deep green stripe painted from one end of the hall to the other, the deep blue doors into classrooms where kids were learning things they A. Don’t give a flying fuck about or B. Will never ever not once in their adult lives ever need to know. Anyways I was trying to get to some class,  I couldn’t remember which one...  
“Baggins,” I heard a husky voice call my name. I turned around and there was Thorin, approaching me with that sextastic swagger of his. Fudge.   
“Hey,” he said when he got close to me. God he was marvelously beautiful up close.   
“What’s up?” I managed to get out. He smiled almost mischievously and looked around as if checking for people. The hallway was completely deserted save for us.   
Before I could say I had to continue on my merry way, I was being pushed up against the wall, hard. “I want you,” Thorin whispered roughly in my ear. He began to kiss my neck and bugger, I moaned. I fucking moaned! That fucker. He kissed all the way up my neck to my chin.... quite sloppily, may I add. My thoughts were not working so I couldn’t push him away, not that I wanted too... but something seemed off.   
“Bilbo!” Someone was calling my name, not Thorin, he was too.. preoccupied.   
“Bilboooo!!” The voice sounded like... my mum??!!  
“Bilbo, for christ’s sake, wake up!” 

~

Tuesday October 17th, 7:00am

I cracked my eyes open to see Myrtle and Minty, my two little fuckheads of Cocker Spaniels. They were all over me... licking my face. Oh god.   
My mum was above my bed, yelling profanities at me. Rude. “Bilbo, jesus, wake up! You sleep like the dead.”   
I grumbled in response and turned over, throwing thing 1 and thing 2 off of me with a bark.   
Ugh shut up. I loved them, but when they were all yappy and .. licky, I couldn’t stand them.   
That’s when I noticed I had a raging hard on. Oh fuck me sideways with a breadstick.   
“Uh, Mum, I’m not getting ready with you here.” I said, hoping she’d _leaaaave._  
“Well then get up and I’ll be on my way.”   
ugghhhh.   
“Mum, I’m getting up!” Shit shit. Can you say, embarrassing? I ambled out of bed and faced the wall. “See, I’m up!”   
I could just sense the strange look on her face, “alright, get ready, breakfast will be ready soon.”   
I heard the door click closed behind her and turned around, burying my face in my hands. For shame Bilbo, for shame. I looked down at the tent in my pants, “go away, you’re not welcome here.”   
  
October 17th, 7:30am 

Walked down stairs, head low. Still embarrassed I almost had a wet dream because of my dogs. But it was Thorin in my dream!! ..... still embarrassing. I just met the guy, jeeez.   
I ate the pb and j sandwich my mum placed in front of me and drank my orange juice. That’s when I remembered I had agreed to help my new group of friends do something that was probably illegal in this country and several others. Oops.   
I couldn’t back out now, not if I wanted to win Thorin, which I think my unconscious mind had decided I definitely want to do.   
Ugh, being an angst-driven teenager really sucks sometimes, ja feel? 

October 17th, 8:05am

The bus arrived right at 8:05, right on the nose. Exactly when it had yesterday. That’s good, it’s orderly, I like orderly, I could get used to this town.   
I climbed on, checking my face quickly in the tinted windows. I walked down the aisle, smiling at my group of friends. They didn’t notice me, they were all preoccupied with each other, being goofballs. Like almost jumping up and down and over the seats. They reminded me of the Lost Boys... the ones from Peter Pan, not that shitty eighties movie.   
I plunked myself down in an empty seat in front of what I assumed was their designated area of the bus. The bus started rumbling onward, towards the concrete prison they call school.   
I turned in my seat to look over and smiled at Ori, who was attempting to read but Bofur kept throwing his hand in front of the page, making everyone howl at Ori’s frustrated faces.   
“Bilbo!” Balin cried when he saw me, smiling widely. What a cutie. I glanced at Thorin, he gave me a quick smirk then looked out the window. My heart died five billion times over. No, seriously I don’t know how I can _feel_ like this for a guy I have known for a day, how can one look make me want to fade into nothingness out of sheer happiness?   
“How did you like your first day?” Bombur asked, munching on a twinkie. Was this kid always eating? “Yeah, it was alright,” I said, smiling at him. I was trying pretty hard to fit in with this energetic bunch.   
The group started to act crazy again and get caught up in their own conversations, Fili and Kili were completely absorbed in each other, but I was getting used to that pretty quickly.   
Bofur took out a Jo Lois snack from his lunch bag and threw it at Dwalin, it hit the window with a splat behind him; the group went up in uproarious laughter. The bus driver yelled back at us to shut up and sit down or he’ll make us walk.   
I smiled down at Ori, trying to contain my laughter, he smiled up at me from behind his book.   
“Listen,” he said, setting down said book and sitting up in his seat, “the group is really happy that you decided to help us.”   
“Oh, that,” I mumbled, rubbing my eyes with my hands. No Ori, not you too!! 

“No, Bilbo, look at me.”  
I looked at him.   
“Now look at Thorin.” Fuck Ori are you serious right now? I reluctantly (maybe not-so reluctantly, oops) looked at Thorin, he was all smiles and laughs, fucking around with Dwalin and Oin. He glanced over at me and quickly looked away. My tummy did a flip flop. Fuck.   
“He looks happy.” I stated.   
“Yeah,” Ori began, “because he knows you’re going to help us get back what belongs to his family, he knows everything is going to be alright.”  
I took my eyes off of Thorin ( _tore_ my eyes off) and returned my gaze to Ori. “You’re right,” I said, “it already feels really rewarding.”  
“Wait, how did you know I was feeling nervous about that?” I asked Ori, semi-suspicious.   
“I read a lot,” he smiled, “I know how people work, I can read them.” I laughed, the sneaky little shit.   
  
~

Walked into the school, the group all around me, nudging me and patting me on the shoulder. I finally felt like I belonged somewhere. I also felt like I’ve known them my whole life, not just for a day. _A day._ It was kinda crazy, really.

  
We passed the office, which had a big window looking into the school. I never understood the need to put windows inside of a building. It was kind of stupid. Anyway, looking out of said window was Mr. Smaug, I almost jumped. He looked so menacing, just standing there, head tilted down slightly casting a grime shadow over his eyes. Fuck, what an ass. Just standing there making his students feel intimidated by him. Fuck you man, you fucking fuck. Who even let this guy get a degree in working with children?? Whoever they are they need to be fired, pronto.

  
Anywho, I said bye to the guys, promising the ones I wouldn’t see in class that yes, I would sit with them at lunch.   
I headed off to class, stuff from my locker in my hands (frick yeah found it with no problems today!) I walked into Mr. Greenleaf’s science room and took my seat beside Ori, I wasn’t late today!! The rest of the class shuffled in, looking tired as balls. Ha. I finally didn’t feel like that. Boo-yah.

Mr. Greenleaf was running around the class like a crazy man, his nimble figure swishing and swerving around desks and chairs and that creepy fake skeleton all science classes had to have because it was like, illegal not to.

  
“What the heck is he doing?” I asked Ori, who, shockingly, had his head buried in a book. He looked up and chuckled. “Oh, he’s absolutely bonkers, it’s awesome, right now I think he’s getting ready for our lab today, see, he’s collecting chemicals and such.... he shouldn’t be running around like that though...” Ori said, following the blond teacher around the room with his eyes.

  
“Fuck yeah he shouldn’t be, he could spill something on someone!” We laughed and two large boys sitting a few rows ahead of us looked back at us with disgusted looks on theirs faces. Ori’s smile diminished and he hid his face back inside his book. I stuck my tongue out at them and their eyebrows went up but thank god they just turned back around. 

“Have they stopped looking?” Ori asked me, he seemed kinda terrified. “Uh, yeah, Ori, who are those giant slease balls?”

  
“Those two are Tom and Bert, there’s another one though, his name is William, everyone calls him Bill.”

  
“What’s up their asses?” I asked, still staring them down. I hoped they feel my gaze burning holes through their skulls.

 

“They’re bullies, they always pick on us.”

  
_Hmmm,_ I thought. Well, if they ever pick on me, or any of my friends again, I’ll stand up to them, who do they think they are?

  
“Anyway,” Ori said to me, “Thorin said to meet early in ‘the room’ today.” He actually did the air quotes. God Ori stop being so adorable. Resisted urge to giggle. “Just go straight there after class, not the cafeteria.” I nodded. “Do you remember how to get there?” He asked.

  
“I think so,” we laughed.

  
Class began a little late due to our teacher being totally awesome. Right as he began to explain our lesson, in came a short man with lots of red hair.   
“Greenleaf!” He said, and threw a frog in Mr. Greenleaf’s direction. Without hesitation he caught it pretty fabulously, “thanks Gim!” He exclaimed. The class laughed. I did too, but I was sooo confused. Like what just happened?!? Before I could turn to Ori with a confused face, he leaned over. “That was Gimli. He’s one of the history teachers. He hates being called Mr., he says it’s too formal, so we just call him Gimli.”

So we did some very science-y shit, it was fun! There were lots of explosions and colours and, well, I reallllyy like this class. Ohmygod, at one point, (Ori and I were watching them across from us at the lab bench) Bert forgot to waft, and he just stuck his big nose right into the bloody test tube!! He screamed and had to go to the office, Mr. Greenleaf had to escort him, we saw his face and I swear he was almost laughing. Ori and I were laughing so hard we were snorting (not an attractive noise but fun nonetheless!) And then, ohhh, and then, Tom was all alone and something exploded in his face (as if the day couldn’t get any better) and he had all that comical black soot all over him. HOLY SHIT. I think I may have peed a little.

  
After class Ori went to wash up, and I told him I’d meet him in ‘the room’, air quotations included. I put my stuff in my locker and grabbed my totally awesome and friend-approved lunchbox and headed off to our secret stairwell, making sure to stay undetected. I figured I had a bit of time, Mr. Greenleaf had to let us out early on account of too many bad things happening (stupid Bert and Tom). I decided to take a different route, wanting to explore a little bit more of my new school. I took out a granny smith apple from my lunch and began to munch on it as I walked around. I walked by a different staircase (this school has a lot of stairwells apparently??) and saw a bunch of tall blond and auburn haired people hanging out in there. They all turned and looked at me when they saw me staring and I hurried off. Huh. Maybe we aren’t the only ones that have a hideout or getaway. Those people didn’t look as friendly...

  
I checked my watch and decided I might as well head over to my friends’ stairwell, ‘the room’ (bahahaha, seriously, mental note to come up with better name.)   
I walked stealthily to avoid suspicion, damn I’m good, I should totally be a spy. I reached the door the the little cupboard quicker than I thought I would, I still had around seven minutes until the bell rang. I didn’t know if they kept it locked or I should knock or if anyone was even in there yet. And I didn’t want to wait outside of it just in case someone saw me or whatever. I decided to try the door. It was unlocked so I walked inside.

  
I guess I will make quite a good burglar, judging by my obviously silent entry. Because when I walked in and turned the corner, there was Fili in one of the bean bag chairs, head thrown back, and Kili... sucking on his brother’s dick like the world was about to end. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohhhhh man. I hope you liked it!! ;)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry it's been taking me so long to update! I'm writing a play for school and been getting a lot of work recently! This weekend I got a fake baby that woke me up at ungodly hours (would not recommend)!! So yeah, sorry. But I'm glad you're all sticking around and hopefully soon I'll be able to pick this up and really set the ball rolling! :)

October 17th 12:22pm  
  
A deep moan escapes Fili’s throat. Oh shit I know what’s coming. A part of me doesn’t want to disturb them, but god they’re stupid, everyone’s going to be here soon! ... and also I’m frozen to the spot. Kinda disturbed, kinda a little bit hot and bothered... 

“Um,” I say, because there really isn’t much else to say. 

They startle and look up, Kili popping up and Fili zipping up in less than a second. They must be used to this. oH jeeeez. 

“So, um, this is awkward?” 

 

We take a seat at the table because they know they’ve been caught. They won’t look at me. 

I’m just about to speak when they both start talking at the same time, rushed and panicked. “Please don’t tell anyone” “especially Thorin” “oh god please” “this is so new to us” “we’re so sorry” 

“Whoa, whoa,” I hush them up. I can see by the way their hands are clutched together under the table and the looks they give each other that they... really love each other. Oh my god. Okay, it’s okay. I want to help them. 

“Guys, I’m not going to tell anyone,” I say and they sigh in relief. I see how terrified they look. My poor babies!!

“And just so you know, I accept you both, for who you are and.. who you love.” I state, and I smile, so they know I’m genuine and not just saying it to make them feel better or less awkward. 

They smile at me, Kili looks like he’s going to cry from happiness. “Thank you,” Fili says. 

 

Ori walks in shortly after that, “whoa, who died?” He jokes. I laugh, and Kili and Fili do too. I think they’re alright. 

The bell rings and eventually everyone starts to filter in. Thorin sees me, smiles, and moves in to sit beside me at the table. Hey, I think I’m becoming immune to his charms.. HA. Balin, Dwalin, and Bofur and Bombur crowd around the TV. They aren’t going to eat first before they start to hardcore game? Fili and Kili leap from the table to join them. There are only three beanbags and the brothers hop onto Bofur to try and get his chair. I laugh at their antics. Holy shit these guys. He pushes them off and they land on top of each other on the ground, Kili smiling down at a laughing Fili. I can’t breath for a second because I think they’re going to kiss, but they quickly realize they’re around everyone else and they pull apart. For a moment I’m disappointed, but I’m also glad. They all sit on the ground around the TV. They must be having a hardcore game day today. I see Mario Kart flash across the screen. Ah. It’s the championship today. Bombur pulls out his lunch and starts to nibble, of course. I smile. 

I’m so absorbed in the boys I don’t notice Thorin looking at me. “What are you so smiley about?” He asks me. I almost jump. That voice. It’s like ... melted dark chocolate drizzled over searing hot coals. Mmm _mmm._

“I don’t know,” I say, still staring at them, “they all just look so happy.” Thorin moves closer to me, offering me some of his beef jerky, I shake my head. We’re sitting at the table alone, the others are either crowded around the TV or playing cards at the other table. 

“And you aren’t?” He asks me. I look into his eyes. Light blue, but not too light, ya know? They’re... perfect. I’m not going to give you some sappy metaphor from a cheesy teen novel “his eyes were the colour of steel, blue and piercing and bright.” (but they are.) 

“Good question.” 

“Bilbo, you can talk to me, about anything, anytime.” 

My breath catches in my throat and I have to look away. Does he actually care about me? 

“Um, okay, I’ll remember that,” I manage to get out. He grins and I do too. Thorin finishes his lunch. 

“Alright men,” he shouts, “finish up, we have business to discuss.” 

 

 

The boys finish up their heated Mario Kart session and join us around the tables. We’re all gathered in. There’s a knock on the door. 

I look at Thorin, panic probably very evident in my eyes. Did someone find us?? Are we going to get kicked out of here?... suspended???11!! On my first week, oh lord. My parents will have my head. 

Thorin nods at me, tells me with his eyes its alright, so I get up to get the door. I cautiously open it, and almost shit my pants when I see a tall figure in grey standing there. Fuck. 

“M-Mr. Grey??!!” 

“Yes hello Bilbo,” he says in his deep, stereotypical old man voice. He steps inside, forcing me to move to the side to allow him room. He’s quite tall, he was to crouch down inside a bit to fit. 

“Have a seat,” Balin says from beside Thorin, motioning Mr. Grey over with a smile. It’s as if they’re all old friends! Seriously my mind is being blown every second in this school and I’m not sure if I’m enjoying it or not. ... 

Probably am. 

Mr. Grey ambles over and takes a seat in a beanbag chair they’d pulled over for him. He still reaches the table just as well as everyone else, the coot. 

“Let’s get down to business.” He states, taking out a .. pipe! I knew it!! He can’t smoke in here! As soon as he lights it and takes a puff, the smoke he blows out forms into a... pirate ship???!! He sees my shocked expression and laughs. The smoke disappears as fast as it appeared and I don’t even smell the tobacco. Okay, does someone want to explain this fuckery?? Seriously what is going on here? 

I try to form words and fail miserably. He laughs again, and so does the whole group when they see my shocked expression. 

“Gandalf, er, Mr. Grey,” Balin starts, “is a wizard.” Dwalin finishes in his gruff voice. Um .. huh? 

My eyes must of gone wider, I can feel them starting to bulge their way out of my skull. There’s a moment or two of tense silence, all eyes on me. And I laugh. I laugh loudly, wipe tears away. “Funny,” I wheeze, “very funny!” No one laughs. “Uh, Bilbo,” Ori whispers from beside me. “He’s an actual wizard.” 

I look at him and laugh again, “what, like Dumbledore?” Everyone liked that one, including Mr. Grey, who huffed out a laugh and pulled on his pipe again. “Uh, yeah, sort of,” Bofur says, “but Gandalf here is much more powerful!” 

I laugh, even though I’ve already had a slight taste of his “powers” with the pipe and I’m quite certain it was him who made that science experiment on my first day just _that_ much better. I still wasn’t convinced. “I’ll believe it when I see it.” 

We eventually ventured from that topic to “the Plan”. The plan that was going to get Mr. Smaug where he rightfully belonged: out of here.

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!!! I'm so sorry it took so long to write this! I had no ideas and I was writing other things and school and Bates Motel and Fargo and ughfjksbgkjbegjhebgjk. I'm sorry! But it's here! and I'm inspired!!! So please don't be too mad and enjoy!! :)

We sit there in our cubby room thing for the whole lunch period. Mr. Grey smoking his magically non-smelly pipe and we hatch a plan. 

In a few weeks Mr. Smaug’s boss, one of the higher ups in the education industry is coming to Erebor to do an evaluation on him and his performance as a principal. We set it up that while Mr. Smaug is out of his office, I’m going to sneak in, like the stealthy little shit I am and steal the Arkenstone. Now, the problem is.. THEY HAVE NO CLUE WHERE IN HIS OFFICE IT IS LOCATED. These people are nuts. But they’re calling me their “burglar” and using the puppy eyes so I can’t just back out now. Anyway, I’m gonna search around Smaug’s office for a bloody “shiny stone”. Yeah, they can’t even supply me with a darn picture of the thing. “You’ll know it when you see it.” Balin had said. Yeah, right, okay, big help, thanks. I’m not going to lie I’m a bit excited for this, even though I’m risking certain death. I don’t want to see Smaug when he’s angry. Whist I’m looking for said jewel, the rest of the group will be set up in all different places around the school, waiting for Smaug to walk by with his boss so they can do things to upset Smaug and hopefully make him muff up. 

“This is going to be a hoot!” Did I really just say “hoot”? Note to self: never do that again. The group agrees and we all laugh and roll up our blue print and stash it away in a safe spot. The bell rings and we all leave at different times as to not draw attention to one another. As I’m walking down the hall to my locker, I walk by Tom and Bert leaning against their lockers, they’re with another guy, tall fat and ugly just like them; I’m guessing it’s Bill. “Hey, faggot.” Tom says. Since when were they in my fucking locker bay? Goddammit. I don’t say anything. “Look at his outfit, how gay is that?” They snicker. Oh come on, it’s fucking cute alright. I like how I dress thankyouverymuch. I spin on my heels. I almost break down into hysterics, they’re all wearing oversized and moth-bitten sweaters. “Oh, excuse me, I didn’t know clothes had sexual preferences,” I smile at them. They all go slack-jawed. “You wha?” Bill says. I laugh, I didn’t think they’d process my words very well, seems like they only got about 13% of what I’d said. I laugh, grab my books and walk away, realizing I’m really not all that threatened by them. Oh wait, they’re 5000 times bigger than me. I pick up my pace and fly through the door to Ms. Tauriel’s history class. 

“Oh, Bilbo,” she says, turning from the board, her beautiful red hair swishing with her movements, “you’re early, the second bell hasn’t rung yet.” 

“Hmm, oh, yeah,” I say, still out of breath from practically running here. I plop down in my desk, Ori’s already there too, reading of course. Even though I’m about 97.6329% sure I’m gay, Ms. Tauriel is babetastic. 

Everyone starts to file in and I see Kili and Fili enter. Kili makes a point of staring at Ms. Tauriel as he takes his seat. He did that yesterday too. But .. wait, what? I quickly whip out my phone and text Fili: “Okay, so why is Kili staring at Tauriel? What’s up with that?” 

He quickly texts back, Kili still staring at her butt (which is fiiiine) as she writes today’s lesson onto the black board. _Beep beep_. I check my phone: “it’s a facade, Kili pretends to be in love with her to distract people from.. well.. yeah.. sometimes we can’t help but be obvious, so we came up with it, it’s working, no?” 

Fili’s looking at me and I nod at him and smile tightly, definitely working. But if you look closely you can tell that Kili doesn’t look at Tauriel half as lustfully as he looks at his other half. They’re cute. But Kili _is_ pretty good at that lovelorn thing. I think he secretly does have a bit of crush on Tauriel, we all do, lets be honest. 

The brothers sit at a table with Dwalin, Oin and Gloin. I think they all like Ms. Tauriel too. Kili makes a shrewd comment about what he’d like to do to her ass, and they all laugh. They can’t tell it’s just a gimmick, and I’m relieved. 

Soon she starts the class, and since everyone’s paying attention to her, Kili can return his lustful gazes to the one they belong too. 

She starts to talk about the french revolution, and I almost doze off. At one point she says that when the English killed Napoleon, they were going to keep his body, but the French wanted it back. The English were all like “no man we won we’re keeping him suckers!” but the French are persistent folks and eventually they got their way. They shipped Napoleon’s body over to France in a crate full of alcohol, as to preserve him so he wouldn’t smell on the boat there. Anyway, once he arrived in France they opened the crate and all the booze was gone. The shipmates had poked holes in the crate and DRANK ALL THE SODDING ALCOHOL. Now if that’s not the most disgusting thing you’ve ever heard, I don’t know what is. 

The bell rings and I head out of class, the group around me. I know it’s only been a few days, but I really feel like I belong with them, it’s really the strangest thing. I head off into my locker bay and the trolls are waiting for me. Greeeeaat. “Hey, fag, don’t talk back to us ever again,” Tom says. “Yeah, never,” adds in Bill. UggggHHHH. No, uh uh, I am in a great mood and I don’t need you fucks pissing me off!! I spin on my heels, a look of utter ‘fuck this bullshit’ on my face. “It took you that long to come up with a come back, huh?” I say, and I really shouldn’t have. They all come barreling towards me and I have a few moments of sheer fucking panic before ducking. Tom’s fist hits the locker, hard, and the other two dingos’ heads collide with the red metal, making giant dents. 

“Owwww!!!” Bert screeches, the other two rub their sore parts. Then there eyes drift up and meet mine. Ohh fuuUUCk. “See ya!!” I run, still carrying my books but I don’t care. “You’ll pay for this Baggins!” I hear Tom yell after me. Whyy Bilbo, why, why must you have so much sass? 

Oin and Glion see me fleeing the school and give me a strange look, “Um, I’ll see you guys tomorrow!” I shout back. Scew the bus, I’m running home!

 

I run for maybe like, six minutes, past all the shops in town and into the countryside. I slow down when I know they’re not following me, or have lost me, and tuck my books into my backpack and continue on my trek. I have a good thirty minute walk until I’m home. Yay. Maybe this wasn’t such a good decision. 

I take my time though, walking past countless trees in bloom. If I breathe deeply there’s a small hint of pine in the air and I smile. Nature is neat. Neature. I laugh for like, ten minutes at my own lame joke. alone time is nice. 

I arrive home, tired and dying for some OJ. I open the door, odd, my parents are already home, I hear excited whispering and then nothing, as if they heard me enter. 

“Um, hello?” 

I fling off my shoes and one hits the wall. My poor baby holy shit. Also fix scuff mark later. Oops. Mum don’t kill me. I let my backpack fall off my shoulder and walk hesitantly into the kitchen. 

My parents are sitting there looking up at me expectantly, wide-ass smiles on their faces. Oh no. Who hired them to be clowns, they look like bloody clowns and I think I should cry but I want to scream too. But I’m curious so I don’t run away. 

“Um,” which is slowly becoming my new favourite thing to say, “what…?” All I manage to get out as I slowly inch my way to the fridge to claim the orange juice as my own. They’re watching my every movement, must not move to fast, they could strike. 

“Bilbo! Will you sit down!” My mother orders. I open the fridge and grab the orange pee in one quick movement. I flop myself down reluctantly in front of them. 

They look at each other, still sodding smiling, and then they look at me and say: “we’re going on vacation!!” 

 

UmmmmmmMM. We just moved here. My parents are literally on crack. Resist urge to slam head into table repeatedly. Don’t get me wrong, love them, sweet people, but bloody insaAANE. “Okay, but, um, we just moved here?” I manage to say around the orange juice. Mum doesn’t even say anything about me drinking it out of the carton. Geez. What did I do that they want to award me so? 

“Well, we know,” my dad, deflating only slightly. “But we figured, we haven’t went somewhere in a while, and it’s the best time to since you just moved here…” 

Makes sense, when I think about it. But, shit, the thingy with the thing. Smaug, Arkenstone, complete take down! 

“Okay, where and for how long?” This feels like a negotiation. It shouldn’t, I mean, I want to go of course, but promises and friends and I don’t want to miss too much school work. What if they find someone else when we’re gone???!!!

“Jamaica, for a week.” My mum says, looking at me with slight worry; like I should be much more excited and enthralled than I am. That’s not so bad! I can do that! The sabotage is in a month. “When are we leaving?” My parents do that thing when they turn to each other and smile and giggle. barfs. They just love each other so much. I convinced myself at seven years old when I started to understand things that I would be alone forever because that is just ew and no one would ever love me as much as my parents love each other. This still holds true today. Thorin crosses through my mind quickly like a gorgeous toned shooting star. Oh god, must stop with the stupid similes. 

“Two days!” They say excitedly and laugh some more. Okay… “But Myrtle and Minty!!!” 

“Well, we figured you could ask one of your new friends to watch them,” Dad says. I look down at my two lopsided cuties sitting at my feet, expecting something, who knows what. “I’ve literally known my friends for two days!” 

My parents deflate a little more, they’re only trying to do something nice for me. Plus, I know two guys who owe me a little favour. “Okay, I can ask them.” I smile at my parents, with teeth, so they know I’m happy about this. 

I get up, put the oj away, and walk out of the kitchen, leaving them to their excited planning. “Start packing!” My mother calls. mmhmm. I run up to my room and grab my phone from my pocket as I pull my suitcase out from under my bed. I call up Kili. He answers and I ask him to put me on speaker phone, he does so Fili can hear too. “So, I need a little favour..” 

 

They agree to watch my doggies!! Yay! I’m getting really excited for Jamaica! I pack all my cheesiest shirts and pants, colourful and touristy! I haven’t been this cheery since I found out the guy in the Barney suit was fired for swearing on live TV. 

At school the next day I tell everyone at lunch time about going away. They all seem pretty happy. They say it won’t interfere with their plans. The only one who doesn’t seem okay with it is Thorin. I ignore that feeling in the pit of my stomach, the tingly one, yeah, you know the one. Gosh I wish he’d just stop doing that to me. “Don’t worry,” I joke flirt with him as we’re walking to the cupboard thing, “I’ll be back soon.” 

“You better,” he says in a voice that sounds serious, but not mean. hE’S GOING TO MISS ME. Feels and Squeals!!!!!

Kili and Fili are like super excited to watch my dogs. Which I don’t understand because they’re annoying as fuck but hey, I’m not complaining! I see Bert, Bill, and Tom a few times today, despite my best efforts to avoid them, but all they do is give me menacing stares. In Mr. Greenleaf’s class, Ori and I are talking about my trip and my plans to hand over the munchkins to the Durin brothers. Ori warns me about how they can be pretty reckless, but I have faith in them. The twits turned around in their seats to give me one big devilish grin each, Tom laughing quietly. Oh god. What could that mean..

After school my parents show up to bring Myrtle and Minty and everything Kili and Fili will need to take care of them. The group met my parents. Oh god. It went worse than expected. The boys loved them of course! Go figure, but the rents were so embarrassing. They started to tell baby stories. Like the one about me being three and shoving a barbie shoe up my nose and sneezing it out two weeks later. I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, having them know I had a piece of plastic in my nose for two weeks, or them knowing I played with barbies.. ughhhhHH. Parents. 

But they had the guys hooping and hollering by the end of their visit on the grass in front of the school. Fili and Kili love my dogs, so thats good. I swear M and M almost had a heart attack because of all the attention and affection they were receiving. Thorin just stood there with a small amused smile on his face, eventually breaking and getting down onto the grass to play with the pups. I almost fucking had a coronary right there, holy shit cuteness OVERLOAD. Too much.   
We left, the boys not wanting my parents to leave. “Oh, thanks guys, I’ll miss you too!” 

They laughed and waved as I got in the car, “see you soon!” Bofur called. Ori was waving frantically. I smiled. I realized I’d really miss them too. 

 

A week of bbq’s, waterfalls, Bob Marley on repeat, and weed smoking (ha, yeah right, my parents would castrate me) later we’re back! I’m so tanned I look illegal. Does not suit me. Is there , like, a paste-salon around here, I need my pastry back! I don’t want Thorin seeing me like this!! Ugh. Oh well. Maybe he’s into tans?   
As soon as I can I call up Fili and Kili. “Hey! We’re home!” I say into my phone when Fili answers. 

“Um, yay! How-how was your trip.” uh oh. I don’t like his tone of voice. Oh shit shit. “Fili, what’s going on.” 

“Er, nothing.” 

“Fili.” 

“I’m sorry, it wasn’t our fault, well, we-“ there was some scraping on the other end of the phone and then Kili’s voice: “we lost your dogs.” 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

WHAT  
  
“Kili, you… *deep breath* WHAT?” 

“I’m sorry Bilbo it was-“ 

There’s some static, like the phone is being tossed around, I hear Kili screech and yell “hey!” I hear hitting. Oh my god they’re beating each other! “I’ll be over in five!” I say into the receiver, probably for no reason because I’m picturing Fili bashing Kili over the head with their phone. 

 

 

I hastily beg my parents to drive to the Durins’ place. “Why?” My mother asks, sipping on a cocktail thing with a billion umbrella’s and pieces of fruit. She’s still living in Jamaica apparently. The sun beats down on me as I stand there, hopping from foot to foot. I can’t tell her what happen to Myrtle and Minty. Oh god. HELP. 

“Because I need to pick up my dogs, I miss them! I also want to hang out with Kili and Fili because I haven’t seen them in a while!” 

Sounds like a good enough excuse. I mean , I’m mad at those fuckers, but I do want to get my puppies back!! :(   
  


I make a pouty face and my mother just laughs, darn that ALWAYS works, she must be drunk. Christ mother we’re not in Jamaica anymore!  
She makes a pouty face back and laughs “ask your father dear,” and she sips at her frilly drink as she tans even more. 

I walk back through the sliding doors and march to my dad’s office. “Dad mum says you need to drive me to the Durins’. I want my dogs back.” 

My dad simply grabs his keys and gets up from his desk. God I love this man and his devotion to my mum. “Let’s go,” he says. Sometimes I tell him that mum needs him to go out and buy her tampies. He totally does it, and I laugh, I laugh and laugh and laugh. MWAHAHAHHA. Also chocolate. I keep the chocolate *more evil laughter*. 

Anyway, we jump into his truck and drive off down the road, I’m practically trembling. I’m just hoping my babies are okay!!

 

We arrive at their house and I practically leap out of the car. “I’ll wait here,” dad says. “No no, I’m hanging out for a bit, I’ll call you, okay?” 

He sighs and smiles tight lipped. “Alrighty,” he begins to back out of the driveway. “Thanks!” I call and then run up to the door, beginning to knock frantically. 

Fili pulls the door open and his eyes bulge. His hair is fucking mess! Sticking up this way and that, clothing dishevelled. It’s silent in the house and I fear for a split second that he’s killed Kili. Holy shit I’m serious I was terrified. 

Fili’s still staring at me when Kili comes up next to him, pulling on his shirt, hair just as messy. OH. oh. ooohhh. Of course. 

“Really you two??? My dogs are missing and you were humping like bunnies??” They blush. I push my way inside. “I’m sorry, we got in a fight and that’s… mainly how all of our fights end.” Fili says as he shuts the front door. 

“Okay, whatever, just tell me what happened! How did you lose them?” 

Kili jumps in, “it was Tom and his gang of twits!” 

WHAT?!?!?!11?

Holy fuck those fucking bastards stole my babies. “THEY STOLE ThEM FROM YOU?” 

I screech, sitting down on the nearest chair. cANT BREATHE. 

“Yeah,” Fili says, “we let them outside to do their business and when we went to let them in, they were gone.” 

“How did you know they stole them then!!!?” I’m frantic and freaking out. The boys pull out a ransom note. Oh god THEY WANT SOMETHING FOR THEM? IM FUCKING BROKE AS A DAMN JOKE ARE YOU SERIOUS RN?

I look at the letters cut out of magazines: “We stole Bilboo’s dags, if u wan them bak, u beter come get them, signed Bill, Bert, and Tom” 

Okay, wait, what the HELL is the point of a ransom note if A. You don’t ask for money and B. YOU SIGN YOUR FUCKING NAME. These twits. Honestly. 

 

“Okay,” I look up, “do you know where they live?” I ask and the brothers nod frantically. “and who else knows about this?” 

They look at each other, and are about to speak when the doorbell rings. The brothers walk over to open it and I follow. When the door swings open, there are the boys, all of them, standing on the front step of the house. Thorin is in front and he looks at me. “Welcome back,” he says, “now lets go get the girls back.”  
Heaven help me I am in love. 

 

Thorin owns a pickup truck the boys pile in the back and Thorin, Ori and I sit in the front, me squished between them. My thigh is resting against Thorin’s. My THIGH is touching THORIN’S and it’s warm and there is heat and electricness and I’m actually dying. Good. Bye. 

We speed out of the driveway, and I look back at the group in the back. They all look so serious, so ready to do this. I almost cry. They care so much. Ohmygod I have the best friends on the planet. “Okay,” Thorin starts from beside me, shifting gears and brushing his hand against my leg. Okay, there is no possible way that wasn’t on purpose. “We need a plan.” 

“Agreed,” I say when I can breathe again. 

 

Ori jumps in, “okay, I read this book once-“

 

“Ori that was a book, not real life.” Thorin patronizes, eyes focused on the road, a look of determination on his face. 

 

“Hear me out!” I turn to look at Ori as he continues to speak. “Okay, we get some disguises right, like, boy scouts! And we get some cookies and knock on Tom’s door, he’s the leader and the other two are always at his place. Anyway, we knock on the door and offer to sell them cookies, and just keep talking at them, and confusing them. So they’ll be two people doing that, and the rest will sneak into the backyard to look for Myrtle and Minty.” Ori beams at me. tHIS CUTIE. I’m dumbfounded. 

 

Thorin looks over at Ori and purses his lips before turning back to the road. “Um Ori,” I start, “that’s a great plan and all, but we’re broke and, well, I don’t think any of the guys want to dress up like boy scouts.” 

Ori nods, “good point.” AW OKAY WE’LL DO IT ANYWAY. 

 

“Plus, would they even be that dumb not to recognize us?” I ask. Thorin and Ori laugh, “yes,” they say simultaneously. 

 

We get to the complex where the idiots live, it’s in town. We park a ways away from Tom’s house to hatch a better plan. No offence Ori you precious angel baby.  Thorin, Ori and I hop out of the truck and head to the back, “okay, does anyone have a game plan?” I ask. I get blank faces. Oh man I really don’t want to relive my boy scout years. 

 

“Well, I do!” Kili chimes in, I see Fili’s eyes go wide in… fear… oh no, and then he drops the look. “Okay…” I say slowly, “what is it?” 

 

“Follow me,” he says, jumping out of the truck, face full of pride. I don’t know if I trust him. The group looks at Thorin and I. I turn to him, he nods. “Okay, follow Kili!” 

 

We walk towards house number 52, a shabby, run down looking place, amongst.. more shabby, run down houses. Go figure. I realize how suspicious a group of teenagers must look, especially in this part of town. There are some kids playing basketball on the street, the net has no netting left, they look at us as we pass. Smile and wave boys, smile and wave. I do just that and one of them tells me to shove his basketball where the sun don’t shine. Wow, rude. I immediately want to leave this part of town. 

MY BABIES ARE HERE SOMEWHERE, is the only thought keeping my feet moving and my heart beating. That and that Thorin just grabbed my hand. 

 

 

THORIN

 

 

JUST

 

 

GRABBED

 

 

MY 

 

 

HAND. 

 

 

I will never wash this hand again. He looks at me and gives me a reassuring smile. We reach house 52 and creep along the side wall, inching our way towards the backyard. We hear stupid, incoherent shouting. Yup, this must be the right place! 

 

We all stop. They’re out there!!! I instinctively squeeze Thorin’s hand tighter and he looks at me, “shh, it’s alright.” I nod. 

 

We’ve stopped moving, what is Kili doing??!!! Just before I can voice that thought, I’m being summoned to the front of the group. “Okay,” Kili begins, Fili beside him looking at him with such adoration, such pride… I feel as though I should vomit rainbows. “You’re gonna go into the backyard and confront them, we’ll be right behind you!” 

 

UM   
  
EXCUSE ME? 

  
I laugh bitterly. “Really that’s your-“ before I can finish my retort I’m being shoved through the gate in the rickety and pealing fence, facing down what will surely be my death. 

 

 

~

 

“So you came,” Tom says when he spots me. I’m frozen to the spot. I try and stand taller, to look tougher but I can’t move. In school, I felt like I could take these guys. They didn’t have anything on me. Now they have my dogs. MY DOGS!  
I quickly do a sweep of my surroundings. Old backyard, overgrown grass, lots of weeds, broken barbecue, lopsided old swing set… on which sits Bert and Bill.. each holding one of my puppies in their lap. EwwWWW, I’m gonna have to give them five thousand baths. 

 

I look back at Tom, who’s getting closer to me. I am panicking, full on panicking.. on the inside. Cannot. Show. Weakness.  So far Kili’s plan really fucking blows, and I’m really sad that he sacrificed me like that, #betrayed. Ew did I just hashtag? 

 

Tom lunges for me, wow, he sure has a grudge, and before I can move I’m caught in his steel grip. He may be an idiot, but he’s strong as a bull. Am going to cry. 

 

This is it. I’m dead. And I never got to kiss Thorin. I’m not even hiding it anymore I think I love him. 

 

I struggle and squirm, his breath is hot and nasty in my face. Wish I had some tic tacs to shove into that giant putrid cavern. Bert and Bill are laughing on the swings, my dogs are yapping. Probably screaming for my freedom! 

 

“Let him go!” 

 

Tom swerves and I see Kili standing there, a long, thick branch in his hand; a menacing look on his face. Oh dear lord. 

 

Before any of the twits can do anything, the group is coming around the corner into the backyard, running and screaming, and battle crying. I feel pride swell inside me like warm soup. I love these guys. 

They start bashing at Tom and I’m let go and fall to the ground, Oin runs past me and picks me up really fast, helping me to my feet, I thank him and he’s off again, running all crazed to the swing set. Before I know it my doggies are at my feet. I scoop them up. I hear a loud creaking and then a crashing noise, I look over and see Bill, Bert, and Tom sprawled under the now-broken swing set. They’re moaning in pain. 

The group cheers and so do I. We did it. We actually did it. They all come running at me, laughing and I fake scream. They pick me up and carry me out of the back yard. “Mummy!!!!!” one of the twats yells. I laugh and hug Myrtle and Minty closer to me (even though they smell like teenage douchebag) I don’t think we’ll be bothered by Bert, Bill, and Tom again, ever. 

 

 

 

 

  


 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God I'm terrible aren't I? I'm sorry I made all of you lovely people wait so long! And I'm not going to make some excuse, but really I've just been to lazy enjoying summer to write!! I apologize!! But I've been feeling that familiar itch recently so, here it is!! I hope you all don't hate me! <3


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